This weekend I took a trip to the mountains with our church's youth. Beautiful, cold air, team building, worshipful and spiritual weekend. Sunday morning before leaving I had really been in a rut with myself. Continually reminding myself that I am loveable, valueble and worth something gets tiring at times. Negitivity and sarcasm crept it way into the weekend, vulnerability and depression found their way as well.
Having been a very physical person when it comes to punishment, I have been thinking the past week or so about how Jesus took on all the punishment I will ever need. I recall a mentor of mine telling me how believing you are not punished enough for your sin is like saying Jesus' death was not enough. It is hard to completely grasp. I have heard several times, "Kelly, Jesus was already cut for you." "Kelly, He took all the beating you deserve"... etc. Honestly it all seemed silly to me. God has been working on my heart, It has been 10 months since my last cut and they have seemed to be the hardest 10 months yet. In the past few weeks, have been thinking about the Passion of the Christ. I have thought about how angry and hateful the men who whipped and beat Jesus were. How with every lash from that awful whip they swung and destroyed His body. Somehow in all this, I have been trying to get the concept of the sacrifice and PAIN He went through for me.
Back to this sunday, While I was sitting outside in the quiet of the morning in the cold moutains of NC. I prayed and just thanked Jesus for his sacrifice. Even though I can not understand it all, and I know that I wont ever get to, I know He did this for me. Bowing my head and opening my heart I told the Lord how much I loved Him. I told Him that he was my best friend, my everything, that I needed Him like air, "I love you Jesus." In this prayer my heart was crying out for a sign from God, a reassurance and pinch of hope.
When you close your eyes, sometimes the light makes wierd shading and visual effects on your eye lids, I dont know how it all works out but it happens. With my eyes closed and my mind focused soley on Jesus, the number 2 came into my little black screen on my eyes. I thought, why 2? I haven't read 2, I haven't talked about 2, i haven't been thinking about the number 2, what in the world does 2 have to do with my quiet time with the Lord. Then it sunk in, "I love you 2". The Lord was speaking to me in a different kind of way, if I was critical of everything I would have never found that out.
It was truely a blessed time. Praise be to God, for saving and sacrificing for us. Praises to Him who was beaten and bruised for our sakes, and Praise the Lord that He loves us 2!!!!
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