Church Hurts.

I really like to post when I am feeling well. It's encouraging to know that on days I am not feeling well I can look back and see that moment where I was fine, and strong.

I don't understand this, but tonight I am extremely low. I took pictures for the women's tea today. It was... akward. I always (suprisingly) have to push myself really hard to get pictures... It is hard for me to approach people and ask to take their picture. Anyway, I was there and things seemed fine until a couple of comments and actions from the other women hurt me. This really triggered something inside of me. I wanted to get up and walk out; fake sick and leave; dart for the door... but of course Kelly isn't that rude.

Trying to be myself, as my friend Heather got up to pray, I clapped. Yeah, bad idea. Everyone around me looked at me with darting eyes as if I were a little child, stupid and mischevious. Then I heard another women turn to my neighbor and say "I guess she forgot she is in church." As I sat and tried to get my face back to its normal color, I thought of how easy it is for someone to be hurt so badly by the church. This made me even more concious of my actions at school and the way I portray myself to my non-believing friends. Being consistant in what I believe and my boundries is SO important.. I see that so much now. Of course no one can be perfect. And I am sure that NO ONE intended to hurt me. It just happened.

I am not going to lie, I am angry with the church. I guess angry isn't the word... I am hurt. But this goes deeper than just a tea.

Last year the church fired Mark. It was a big deal. Up until we had lost Mark, things were pretty great at church. I had support, and knew that things were stable. After they fired Mark, the people around me started to disappear. One of the most influental was a mentor to me. I looked to this person for advice, direction, what ever they said I took it as gold. Pretty much. Obviously this person was hurt just as much if not more than others in our church and decided to leave Weddington. In this, the person gradually slipped out of my life. That happens.

I'm hurting so much tonight because a huge part of me believes that I am what this person left.

It hurts when I hear stories of Mark's new church. I am beyond thrilled that he has so much going for him and oppertunities out the wazoo are happening! I dont understand why I feel so hurt when I think of this individual.

So, all that blab to say I really am feeling hurt right now. Hey, at least I know how to identify my feelings. A year ago, you can ask anyone, I didn't know how to identify any of them. So... tomorrow, I wont be in church... I don't want to go to church at all. I'm praying that this will pass... I would love your prayers as well.... I know that with people comes drama. I just need the strength to heal the wound that's hurting me so much right now.

If that made any sense.

I feel a little better after blogging.

Hope this didn't offend anyone.